Let’s get Shanghaied!

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Shanghai is a beautiful, exciting place to visit. Here are a few tips to help make your trip there more enjoyable.

The first experience of many who visit Shanghai is the colorful discourse of the Chinese taxi drivers picking them up at the airport. First-time visitors listening to the driver banter with his dispatcher in Chinese might think he is a bit angry. But more experienced visitors will tell you he is in a blind rage. After all, he must take a passenger who can’t speak his language to a place he’s probably never heard of.  Welcome to Shanghai where the people have two emotions: none and anger.  The only person in Shanghai I’ve seen laugh was an old woman. And that was after she hit me with her little scooter.

Getting around

Hoofing it

The best way to learn about a city is by walking around it. Remember: You can cross the street and be safe, but not at the same time. You must make a choice: cross the street or be safe. Pedestrians are the lowest rung on the Shanghai transportation ladder. Just like in California, drivers can turn right on red lights. But unlike California, they don’t have to stop. In fact, taxis and very large tour buses are apt to speed up. Those wishing to completely cross the street tend to wait until a large group forms. At some point, critical mass is achieved and they all walk across the street together. Apparently a large number of people is a deterrent. It would do more damage to the vehicle than just one or two people. But don’t feel too safe on the sidewalks either. I’ve seen large, black sedans jump onto sidewalks and cut across the corners, sending pedestrians fleeing like penguins from a killer whale that has shot onto the shore for a quick meal.

Taking the subway

The subway is both convenient and clean. Visit the customer service booth and act out where you want to go. They will circle something on a map that’s all in Chinese, and then hand it to you. Hopefully, they correctly guessed what your performance was about. Your best bet is to count the stations on the map to the circled one. That will save you the hassle of learning Chinese. Also, when the train arrives, be sure to rush the door with the others and participate in a kind of subway football scrimmage. You’ll know you’ve won when you find yourself onboard.

Food

Shanghai has excellent food. Many of the bigger restaurants will have photos, which makes ordering easier. If they don’t, just think of yourself as being in a greasy actors’ studio. Before your trip, you might want to practice your chicken, beef and vegetable impersonations. Also, if the restaurant has snake or frog on the menu, don’t order it. It tastes like snake and frog.

Things to see in Shanghai

  • Oriental Pearl Tower
  • Skyscrapers from the planet Zartron
  • Small shops selling used, rusty gears and other machine parts next to mom-and-pop restaurants (my favorite was called “Let’s Eat Tar”)
  • Women spitting
  • Pet store/food market
  • Food market/ pet store
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